Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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