a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
