So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
