Just fell off a train. Bad.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
