Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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