I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
