Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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