There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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