I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
