i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
