last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
