someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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