david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
