Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
