You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
