Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
