ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
we're so committed to being not committed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
