i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
