God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
