Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
