it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
