You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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