I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
