We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
