Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
do herpes really smell.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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