You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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