I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
there's paper in my vomit.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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