It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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