i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
