literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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