Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
