You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
