I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
