I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
