would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
