I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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