Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
