The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
