I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
