There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I love you. Go after that dick
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
