i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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