My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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