Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just cropdusted the office
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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