i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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