Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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