It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
