I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
