So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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