You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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