I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
