My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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